I had my first remembered encounter with God at the ripe old age of four. I broke my collarbone after a neighbor pushed me off our slide, and I was told by a doctor it was broken in a way it might not fully heal. That night, my mom took me with her to a church she was visiting, and I saw a video of a testimony of God completely healing a seemingly impossible situation with a boy who had several physical impairments, including his feet turned backwards. I thought, “If God can heal that boy of all those things, surely He can heal my arm.” As soon as I thought that, without anyone even praying for me, God healed my broken collar bone. I turned to my mom and, while moving my arm, told her, “Look, Mom, Jesus healed me!” and the entire congregation crowded around me and praised God for His healing of my broken bone. 

Because of my experience, I knew that God could hear my thoughts from an early age, could do what others thought impossible, and cared about the desires of my little heart. I remember hugging and kissing the air as a child before going to sleep, wanting Him to know how much He meant to me. To think that the God of the whole universe cared so much about me was such a wonder to my mind.

Yet, a couple weeks later, I had my first remembered encounter of my experience with shame when I broke my other collarbone after leaning back and missing our spinning bar stool’s back. It wasn’t that I had forgotten God’s capability or love for me only a couple weeks before, but the fact that it was my fault rather than someone else’s had me focused on my clumsiness rather than God’s goodness.

I did a class at our church this past spring called “The Ultimate Journey: Unpacking Self-Deception” where we went back to various times in our lives and invited the Holy Spirit into our memories to help play the advocate for our younger selves and see where there might be any lies we were believing and speaking truth to that time. During the process, we’d write letters from our younger selves to our older selves and vice versa. As I went back to that core memory, so many of my thoughts that I might not have been able to put into such clarity at the time came out. Here’s a snippet of what I felt that I must have been feeling at the time that made me cry just in the writing of it:

So much of my journey with an incredibly religious upbringing and my experience with God has been a constant battle between those opposing concepts. So much of my joy has depended on which one I’ve focused on throughout the years. Most of us can relate to the shackles of religion directing us to focus on our own performance more so than the freedom and grace God offers. Our joy, freedom, and even miracles really just have to do with our awareness and what we set our eyes on.

The last couple of years, God has been bringing me back to the roots of my faith. He’s been reminding me of who He is and who I am in Him and shaking off anything I’ve built that doesn’t belong on the foundation of Jesus and His grace and love for me. I’ve been remade aware of Him, His goodness, and the joy that it brings when I’m reminded that my faith doesn’t depend on me or my failed or even fruitful efforts.

It’s such a gift that we have the choice to renew our mind and change our present reality when we set our eyes on Him and His love for us. I just hope that by sharing bits of my story, I can help others experience the freedom and joy that comes when we become fully aware of Him.

Fully Aware

By Rachel Ann Dittmer

I’m gonna dance like You are watching

I’m gonna sing like You can hear

I find all of life has meaning

When I feel that You are near

I’m gonna work like it’s You I’m serving

I’m gonna rest like You did too

I find joy in rest and doing

As I yield them unto You

I’m gonna run like I am racing

I’m gonna end like I hear You cheer

I find strength when I grasp You’re witnessing

And You silence all my fear

I’m gonna realize You are loving

I’m gonna walk through the unknown

I find hope for tomorrow

When I learn I’m not alone

I’m gonna pray like You are listening

I’m gonna cast You all my cares

I find love when I know You see me

Even counting all my hairs

I’m gonna seek like it’s You I’m finding

I’m gonna trust I bring You pleasure

I find purpose when I’m believing

You’re my greatest treasure

I’m gonna live with all my being

I’m gonna stay fully aware

I find life so very freeing

When I sense You everywhere

Rooted in Faith by Rachel Ann Dittmer was published in Gritty Faith: Rooted (c) 2024

Rachel Ann Dittmer is an artist, poet, author, interior designer, and the blogger behind LifeGiver. Her artwork has been featured at the No Suicide Event at New Life Church SF for several consecutive years, as well as in murals at Union Gospel Mission and Miss Jasper's House. Additionally, her decorating work has appeared in This Old House magazine. Currently, she and her husband are undergoing their fourth home remodel. Rachel lives in Sioux Falls, SD, with her husband Drew, their five children, two cats, and has a baby waiting for them in heaven. Discover more about Rachel’s work at lifegiver.site.