I have a confession to make. I’m a terrible gardener. Yep. It’s true. From the first time I attempted to put something in the ground, it was clearly not my forte. Let’s just say it didn’t go so well.
It was 1994 and it was my very first house, the one my husband Keith and I purchased after three long years of scrimping and saving. We finally had enough for a down payment for a home of our very own. Yay us! We signed our name roughly 10,000 times and sealed the deal on a cute-as-a-button little blue rancher with the perfect sized yard. I was so excited to start decorating and make our first home cozy and inviting, inside and out. Well, that was the plan, at least.
So one Saturday, I enlisted the help of my mom (who, by the way, had an amazing garden at her home) and we got to work digging in the front beds. I don’t remember exactly how long it took before I noticed a burning sensation on my knees, but suddenly, I realized I was under attack. It was an army of tiny creatures that weren’t too happy about me digging up their home. This was their territory and they let me know how strongly they felt about my intrusion.
That night as I lay in bed with cold witch hazel compresses draped over my throbbing knees (a remedy my mother-in-law swears will solve almost any ailment), I decided gardening was just not for me. That was it. One and done. I was hanging up my trowel for good!
But if I’ve learned anything over the course of my life, and especially over the last two years, it’s that things can change in an instant. And when your world is turned upside down, it affects everything: where you go, what you do, who you spend time with, how you think, and even what you believe. So when I decided to have a garden created in my yard after the sudden death of my husband in 2022, it was an unexpected change of heart. I’m discovering in this season of sorrow that the Lord has a way of showing me His goodness in places I’d least expect it—and for me, that place has been in a garden.
Truth be told, the work was done by my awesome brothers-in-law as I simply didn’t have the strength to do much more than just breathe in those early days of my grief. But something inside my aching heart instinctively knew I needed a dedicated place where I could go and mourn. Somewhere I could sit and reflect on my love and all the wonderful years I had with my husband. A somber sanctuary where I could pour out my heart to the Lord, wrestling through my thousands of questions and all the “whys” churning violently inside of me. It’s a sacred memorial to Keith and a way to honor my love for him that will never, ever die.
Now that I’m well over the two-year mark of the worst day of my life, I can reflect back on the things I did that helped carry me through. My faith was shaken in a way that took me by surprise and I wondered some days if I could even survive this. But now with the dust settled a bit, I can see from this vantage point where I was being strengthened and how my faith grew on that holy ground in the garden where I spent countless hours. Comfort received is meant to be shared, and so here are a few valuable takeaways I pray will minister to you.
Only God Can Go
I’m a huge proponent of having good support for your grief. It’s important to find others that are walking a similar path and struggling with many of the same things you are. But what I’ve come to realize is that people can only go so far in understanding the specifics of your pain and the utter devastation you’re experiencing. Even the most well-meaning friends and family are ill-equipped to bring the kind of intensive care a broken heart requires. There are stretches along this journey that only God can accompany you on.
He knows the immeasurable weight of your sorrow. He sees every tear and knows the precise meaning of each one that rolls down your cheeks. He knows perfectly what you can’t make sense of and piece together. When your mind is reeling and it feels like you’re in an alternate universe you can’t escape from, He is there in a way to bring aid and help you go on when you don’t think it’s possible. His Holy Spirit is interceding for you far beyond what you can perceive right now.
There is not one aspect of your loss He has forgotten about or missed. He knows it completely. The Lord is acquainted with every single detail and the complicated layers of loss you’re grappling with in any given moment. His love never tires of your constant mourning or your unending questions. He can even handle your anger and accusations. He is truly the God of all comfort and the One you need most when you’re in a season of sorrow.
Let It Out!
When your heart is shattered, there’s no energy left to play pretend. It may feel unspiritual or even sinful at first to let it all out with God, but it’s where real healing can take place. The amount of turmoil your grief is causing in the depths of who you are needs to be expressed. Your trauma requires an outlet where you can openly lament without pretension. And besides, it’s foolish to even attempt to hide from God what you’re feeling anyway. He already knows all of it. None of it will take Him by surprise or turn Him away from you.
Learning to give voice to your sorrow in healthy ways will give you clarity about your struggles and the questions you have. So whether it’s times of quiet prayer with God, journaling and jotting down what’s on your mind, or just crying out loud in your anguish, go ahead and allow all of those feelings to come as they may. They’re not right or wrong. They’re just what they are. Those emotions have a place, and those questions just mean you’re human and trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. It’s okay to let it out!
It’s Not What You Know, But Who
While it’s good and necessary to ask all the why questions in an attempt to make some sense of what happened, you don’t want to land there indefinitely.
Much of what goes on in this world is a mystery to us, but when something horrible hits home, you want answers. Sure, there are proper theological explanations for suffering, but they do little to bring resolution to the sufferer. What I’ve come to discover is that true peace doesn’t actually come from answers to my questions. Instead, it comes as the result of the intimacy developed between me and my Creator as I wrestle through my questions and doubts.
So even though God doesn’t always give me the answers I want, He is always faithful to provide what I need. I could write an entire book of the many miraculous ways He has met every single need I’ve had these past 2 years. I’ve been blown away at how personally and specifically He has shown up and taken care of me. Jesus IS the answer to all that you need!
And while I don’t think I’ll pick up a trowel anytime soon and start digging in the dirt, I’m forever changed by the time I’ve spent in my garden. God met me in that place and went with me where no one else could go. He graciously sat beside me when I voiced my complaints and even questioned His goodness at times. He spoke so tenderly to my hurting heart with words of life and hope. He allowed me a greater glimpse into His heart and the perfect love He has for me, His beloved child. Our relationship has grown stronger and I know my Savior in a deeper way than I ever did before.
If you’re currently in a season of sorrow, I pray you’ll consider creating your own sacred sanctuary where you can go to simply mourn. It doesn’t have to be a garden or anything fancy. But wherever it is, find a quiet place to meet with your heavenly Father. He’s already there waiting for you!
“I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God” (Ephesians 3:16-19 NIV).
Planting Seeds of Faith in a Season of Sorrow by Chris O'Donnell was published in Gritty Faith: Rooted (c) 2024
Chris O'Donnell's life took a profound turn following the sudden loss of her husband in 2022. In the wake of this tragedy, she found herself unable to return to her job, spending her days seeking to make sense of her new reality. As she navigated her broken heart, Chris experienced God’s grace in deeply personal and tender ways, inspiring her to create Sparrow and Seed Company. Through this heartfelt venture, she aims to share the comfort she found during her darkest days. Chris is passionate about crafting meaningful gifts that offer hope and encouragement to those enduring their own seasons of sorrow, turning her grief into a source of strength for others. Find her shop, Sparrow and Seed Co., on Etsy.