How to Care for a Widow by Vanessa Yochim

What’s the picture that pops into your mind when you hear the word “widow”? Maybe you see your grandmother or the little gray-haired lady that sits alone in front of you at church. Do you know how many widows attend your church or live on your street? Do you know the needs they may have?

Widows and their care are so important to God that His Word contains over 100 references to widows with instructions to believers to care for them. The character of a church and believers is shown by the way they care for those who are near to God’s heart.

I am a widow. I am one of the more than 11 million widows in the United States and the 258 million widows worldwide. Not all of us are gray-haired older ladies. A statistic from the U.S. Census Bureau says that the average age at which a woman becomes a widow is 59. This means many widows are younger, suddenly carrying the enormous burden of raising children alone. I was 61 and my husband was 64 when he died much too soon. Just a couple of years later, I attended a conference for widows and was amazed at how many young moms were there. In the midst of my own grief, my heart broke for them and their children. A common theme among many of the widows attending the conference was the feeling of isolation and abandonment by their church, friends, and sometimes family.

Our whole world changes in every way when we become a widow. All the plans we made with our husbands are now destroyed. Our identity and purpose feel lost. Most of us will lose many of our friendships after becoming a widow. We no longer fit in that couples Bible study or the group that went out to dinner together. Friends may avoid us because they don’t know what to say or do, so they gradually just fall away. Many widows will leave the church they attended with their husbands due to feeling overlooked and uncared for. Some will face serious financial hardships after the loss of income, perhaps with no life insurance or nest egg to rely on.

We’ve lost the person who took out the trash, the one who changed the oil in the car, the one who called during the day just to say “I love you.” There’s no one to mow the grass, rake the leaves, or shovel the snow. Watching a movie or going for a walk alone just isn’t the same, and going to bed at night is one of the loneliest parts of the day. We’ve lost our best friend, our shoulder to cry on, the one that made us “we.” Now we’re just “me,” and we struggle with who that is.

The grief of someone who loses a spouse is a deep emotional pain that no one can understand unless they, too, have experienced the same loss. Even then, each widow’s grief is unique to her, and her church family and friends most often are at a loss for words to say and how to help.

I’d like to offer some suggestions to help you minister to the widows in your life.

• In the early days of her loss and grief, the thing she needs most is a listening ear. Be willing to just sit with her, let her talk about her spouse and share her story, and let her cry. This is the way she will begin the process of healing through her grief. Avoid offering advice unless she asks.
• Look for ways to help. Don’t tell her to just call if she needs anything. She won’t. Her mind is mush, she doesn’t know what she needs, and she won’t want to bother you. Here are some tangible ways you can help.
• Bring healthy meals that are quick and easy to serve or drop off some groceries. Ask about allergies or diet restrictions. Include healthy snacks for the kids that they can easily grab on their own. Set up a meal train so others can share in the blessing of caring for this widow.
• Tell her you will be there on a certain day to clean her bathrooms, do laundry, or put her trash out on trash day.
• Invite her to lunch and include her in group events. She may decline but keep asking. In early grief, it may be too difficult to be in social settings, but as she heals, she will welcome your thoughtfulness to include her.
• Invite her to sit with you at church, or even offer to pick her up. Take her out for lunch after. Going to church alone is hard and lonely and can be the hardest day of the week.
• Help with her yard work, especially if that was specifically her husband’s task. Don’t assume her children or other family members are there to help with everything. Remember that they are grieving, too. They also have their own families, jobs, and responsibilities that may make it difficult to always be there at the time something needs to be done.
• Check to see if her car needs maintenance and arrange for it to be done.
• Be available to pick kids up from school or take them to soccer practice. Keep her kids for an afternoon or overnight so she can have some time for herself.
• Continue to speak her husband’s name. Talk about your memories of him. Don’t be afraid it will make her cry. It might, but that’s okay. Tears are healing, and knowing that others still remember him is a soothing balm to her hurting heart.

As the weeks and months go by, it’s easy to get caught up in the busyness of your own life. Don’t forget to check in on your widowed friend and include her in activities and events. She still needs a listening ear and acts of kindness to help soothe her grieving heart. Grief has no timeline. It doesn’t end in a few weeks or months. It will always be a part of her life, though it will change, and she will grow through it. She still needs to know that she is loved and not forgotten.

Churches can also struggle with knowing how to help their widows. Some churches have wonderful programs in place to show love to their widows. Other widows feel lost and forgotten by their churches that don’t know what to do with them. Let me offer some suggestions for pastors and leaders.

• Walk with her and her family through the funeral or memorial service planning. It’s overwhelming for them to think about all that needs to be done.
• Set up a meal train to provide meals for the first 2-4 weeks. Cooking and eating are the last thing on her mind, and she also may have children or family to feed.
• Start a grief support group if you don’t already have one. GriefShare is a 13-week support group that helps people heal from their grief of losing a loved one. Some people choose to go through the series more than once. If your church doesn’t have one, direct her to a group in your area.
• After GriefShare, have a widow’s group for her to move into. This may be a group that does Bible study together, they may discuss issues relevant to being a widow, or they may be more of a social group. No one understands a widow like other widows, and it is life-giving to be with those who truly get it.
• Have a group of people ready to help with yard work or other needs. This may be your deacon group or a helping hands group. Your widows may not know you even have this help available for them, so have someone from the group reach out and make sure she has the contact information for the group.
• Create a list of trusted professionals in your area for the widow to call on when a need arises beyond the abilities of your church help group. Lawyers, financial advisors, mechanics, plumbers, or electricians are all intimidating people to have to call, and it helps to have trusted recommendations available at a time when she feels so vulnerable.
• Above all, make sure she feels loved, needed, and part of the church family. You will make a big difference in the way she heals and grows in the plan God still has for her. Widows can be a valuable part of your church ministry if you help and support them in their grief journey.

God deeply cares about widows, yet many widows feel invisible and forgotten. They need others to carry them when they can’t walk and walk with them as they heal and find their place again. Their spouses have died, but they have not. They are very much alive and have so much to offer. See them, love them, and watch them grow.

How to Care for a Widow by Vanessa Yochim was published in Gritty Faith: Rooted (c) 2024

Vanessa Yochim is a retired charter school secretary residing in Arvada, CO. In her spare time, you can find her immersed in her sewing room, nurturing her garden, or experimenting with sourdough bread in the kitchen. She treasures moments spent with her children and grandchildren, who live nearby, and looks forward to visiting her daughter’s family in Alabama after their recent move. Since losing her husband, Richard, to cancer in 2016, Vanessa has turned her grief into purpose. After participating in a GriefShare support group, she played a key role in establishing one at her church. Journaling has been a source of strength, helping her navigate the complexities of life as a widow while deepening her faith in Jesus. Through sharing her journey, she hopes to remind other widows that they are not alone. Since Richard's passing, Vanessa has joyfully welcomed four more grandchildren, with a great-granddaughter expected in late December.